catching those feelings

Image result for emotions

hi everyone I hope you are well in this crazy time of isolation and restrictions being lifted washing hands . not touching ones face. etc.

Today I wanted to talk to you about emotional shut down & emotional Intelligence. and how to make the journey from one to another. I am not a therapist nor am i a counsellor. I am someone who has gone through physical, mental, emotional, sexual abuse and this is blog is the lessons i have learnt. I have not done any of this on my own, I am currently going to 2 different counsellors. one of whom is trained in trauma counselling. so if you have gone through trauma please try and get to see a professional, not just any professional one that you click with, find a counsellor/therapist that holds that safe space for you to talk and be and feel.

“Emotional Intelligence is the capability of an individual to recognize their own emotions & those of others, discerning between different feeling and to be able to label them appropriately, to use emotional information to guid thinking and behaviour”. wikipedia

4 steps to emotional intelligence

1. to create emotional literacy

I felt numb for most of last year , as you all know.

That too is a feeling.

so how does one go about naming feelings when you have been shut down emotionally most of your life? what happens when you don’t have words for the feelings One way to start is asking yourself a question of how you feel in your body. So what are your bodily sensations. Do you feel tight in any part of your body? do you have goose bumps? butterflies in your stomach?

with the work I have done in therapy my therapist would often ask me if how do i feel ….. i would often say i feel sick in my stomach. this does take time to develop. but its essential for emotional health.

to feel what you feel isn’t good/bad. it is what it is. you feel what you feel. See an emotion needs to be acknowledged. its that simple. but when its not its like a drop of water dripping into a bucket . one drop is no big deal. before you know it , its half full. Then over flowing. eventually it becomes a flood. from drop after drop. its the same with emotions. The other thing i have noticed is once i have acknowledged and felt the emotion then let it go, i now have more energy. i exercise more, i eat healthier, im studying 11 hr a week on my coaching course. maintaining a healthy relationship, helping my elderly father, working shift work in a job where i travel 1 hour to and from work.

its so important to acknowledge them . with out shame or fear.

be kind

and remember I love you

Its been awhile

Hi everyone

I hope this post finds you are all coping with COVID-19 and the isolation that has come with it. Life is certainly challenging at times. These are the times of great opportunity. there many ways to see what the world is going through as something from a conspiracy theorists dream. but it is also lots of opportunities to see life from a growth perspective.

Growth is an essential part of life. if we seek to avoid it, then it will find us. how do i know this? i ran from growth most of my life. and it does find you. So how can we see what a rich growing patch we find ourselves in with COVID?

well ask yourself are you happy? are you tired? are you someone who gives so much that you have nothing left for yourself. you see now is the time to be asking lots of different questions to improve your mindset. now is the perfect time to reassess your life. to change your lifes direction. or catch your breath at least. Dr Wayne Dyer once said “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change” I have found this to be so true in my own life. by just changing your mindset and how your look at your life or life in general your life will change.

if you aren’t happy in your life, where do you want your life to be? what is your dream? yes that one! that one you have forgotten about. that one you put at the back of your mind like a coat in a wardrobe in the lion the witch and the wardrobe. just for one minute. sit and think. did you always want to be in a certain sector? or maybe you wanted to learn something new? do you feel pulled towards something and don’t know how to get there? i know thats me too. but there is a way even if you are short of money. there is always a solution its just a matter of finding the fucker.

i started this blog last year when i was broke, and broken. i write this blog for you , so that you may know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and there is hope.

message me and i can coach you.

its worth it.

be kind

and remember i love you

Healthy…. what’s that???

So in the lgbtqi community there are very few long term relationships and while the answer to why is multifaceted, today I want to talk to you about a few of them.

Internal homophobia/transphobia I believe is one of them. In my journey through healing from abusive/ narcissistic relationships I have looked deep within myself and realised I was homophobic towards myself. I didn’t accept the fact that I was a lesbian. Why? I mean what’s the big deal here. Well this comes from growing up in a staunch religious family. When I came out this religion had been brainwashed into me from birth. I have found my own form of spiritual life. One I’m happy with and at peace with.So the journey to self acceptance has been a long one. For me I have looked at my family and the wider community , life is so much easier to some extent when you are straight.

My life as a lesbian has made me look at 1.why I was attracting the abusive relationships I was. 2. My internal shame 3. My inner wounded child.

It has not been until I have addressed all of these issues that I have attracted people that I’m happy to have in my life. I now can see red flags from mile off. I can notice and address my patterns that I no longer want give breath too. I have my boundaries too. I have found myself at times being full of total attitude and so god damn straight forward. I’m also prepared to work through my triggers with someone I trust and getting know, they have to be a very safe space though.

If ,as a member of the lgbtqi community, a long term relationship is something you want. Then you need to be prepared to go through all the shit you’ve been through , with a counsellor. And also take responsibility for your part in it. None of its easy but it’s so worth it .

Thank you for reading my blog

Be kind

And remember I love you

So I look at my

Be that safe space

I went to a wedding yesterday, of two beautiful souls. I cried when I saw the bride in her beautiful gold dress.

It took me back to when she first came out to me as transgender. I was so honoured to be that safe space. See here’s the thing, when someone is coming out to you they are saying, in their own way ,this is a part of me that I feel safe to share with you. You don’t have to understand it, just respect it. Whether that person is saying I’m bisexual, polyamorous, transgender, non binary, butch woman and numerous other identities.

And here a another respect the pronouns and terminology that they are asking you to use. This isn’t about you and what you think is right or wrong, what’s right or wrong for you isn’t necessarily right or wrong for other people.

For me respect is a big thing. The world in our face to face and internet interactions would be a lot nicer and deeper if we respected each other’s views.

My most treasured conversations are with people who are willing talk with out blame or the need to be right, but expressing their views. I find this expands my thinking by being open to what the other person is trying convey. Everyone has something to teach us. Whether it’s seeing their compassion , how they helped another human, or indeed if they bring up those feelings of anger then they are teaching you that you have inner work to do.

I’m very grateful for my journey and the beautiful amazing people that have come across my path. Some for a day, some for a moment, some for a year, some my whole life.

Essentially what I am saying is if you have someone share that part of themselves, be that safe space, accept them, love them just as they are.

Be kind

And remember I love you

When I saw you….

When I saw you at fair day my instant thought was you and your son have damaged me so much . I wanted to throat punch you.

When I saw you at fair day I got so angry that you had moved on.

Then , after a few days, I realised what a gift it was seeing you, to feel that anger. Why? Because it made me realise what a heavy burden you had both become. I was like I couldn’t move . And tired I was so tired and heavy from carrying you both around for these past years.

So I went to the beach. My beloved beach with waves rolling into meet me, as if to say, there you are ! Come wash it all away my darling girl. I laid on the sand and bought it all up. Feeling the emotion that I didn’t have words for. The hurt , the pain, the memories. Went into the waves and washed you both away, saying,” you too heavy now. I let you both go, I wish you well . Goodbye.”

I feel so much lighter now. I do wish you well. There are parts I will remember with fondness. And others I won’t give oxygen anymore.

I wish you well in your life

Good bye

Mmmm

I worked extra hours this past week so I could go to the Sydney gay and lesbian fair day, today. To be honest I feel like saying a big fuck you to my own community.

I have never and will never understand why lesbians are so stand offish. Going up there , I got off the train (and I always have some money in my bag to give to a homeless person. ) walked to the bus stop and saw a homeless man prostrate on the ground. Truly begging for some money. How my heart ached for him. I gave my little pouch of coins, then asked if it would be alright if I could give him a hug. We had a long hug. I kissed him on the cheek and said I was homeless last year. I walked away emotional, so god damn emotional. I know that despair, I know that hopelessness. I got on the bus and a woman said to me, “ what you did back there was really nice” and another woman said to me “ I was watching from across the street and I thought the same thing. I always have wanted to help but I don’t know how.” She said “ is money the right thing to give?”

My reply was “ I give money because I know what it’s like to be homeless. Having to deal with government departments that are cold and cruel. From my perspective I’m showing them I care. It may buy them a meal or drugs I don’t know and to be honest it’s none of my business. I wanted that man to know I saw him. And I cared.”

So I got off the bus and walked over to the park where day was held. It’s all glitter and fucking rainbows. And also one very lonely experience.

I bought a dykes on bikes shirt. They too were stand offish. I don’t know what I was expecting but I seem to be disappointed every tome I expose myself to the community i identify with.

So here’s my challenge. How do I help a community that really by all appearances doesn’t give a flying fuck about me? Because if I am really honest, I never want to go to another fair day ….. for all eternity… and then some. I would rather stab myself in the eye. It has to be one of the loneliest experiences of my life.

How is it that a barefooted homeless man gave me more in a 1 min hug, than my own lesbian community. Ponder on that. I don’t want an answer. I want to see change. I am the change I want to see in the world . But my own lesbian community face to face, in the year of 2020, you lot have a lot of fuckin work to do. The movie night I went to a couple weeks ago and a dance I went to last year were the same. I might as well have had a disease. I hate that shit. And I always have hated that shit.

Here’s some advice for you lesbians out there. Saying hello doesn’t mean sex. I don’t want you to fuck me or marry me or anything else fucking else except talk. Connect.

I get so angry about it all.

Anyway thanks for reading my blog

Be kind

And remember I love you

Interesting perspective

I was on social media today and the topic of kids came up. In the context of do I want kids etc.

I responded by saying no. I don’t want more kids and I don’t want to be in a relationship with a woman who has kids.

There is numerous reason why I have this boundary. I have been in 2 relationships where both women had children, while I understand the children do come first on a lot of levels. At no point did these people ever have my back on any circumstance. I felt thrown under the bus. Disregarded and dismissed. I will not tolerate that ever again. At 51 , having gone through what I have gone through, I refuse to fight for a woman’s attention on a day to day basis.

Raising kids is hard slog. And they deserve your love and attention, that is their right as your child. That also is your job as their parent. It’s also your job to raise a person that will contribute to society in a good way. And become a good partner. Not a self absorbed it’s all about me little snot. A person who is self sufficient and independent. Not codependent on you ,always ringing you wanting you. Nah I’m done with that shit.

So I have thought about it. And yes I understand there are a lot of women out there that have had kids, my observation has been kids haven’t been raised as I have raised mine. That’s every parents right to raise their kids as per their beliefs. I can see ,those kids, will never leave home and why would they if they get everything handed to them. I can’t be a part of that. On any level.

Like I said , I’m 51 and I have raised 4 bloody good humans. I’m so proud of all of them. I’m also tired and I don’t want that complexity in my life any more. I want to have conversations about gender and the lgbtqi community, I want to talk about the universe and spirituality. I want to travel and make a difference in people’s life through being a life coach.

Thanks for reading my blog

Be kind

And remember I love you

Self care and self love

I’m learning that there is a big difference between self care and self love.

Self care , for me, is swimming everyday, reading a bit of self improvement books. Having a nap when I need it., challenging my self to eat healthier, carbs make me depressed and lethargic and put on weight. This has taken time to actually become aware of what I need.

Self love , for me, is letting go of tension I hold on my body breathing holding my hands over my heart and feeling me. The depths of me. All of me and wrapping myself up in love. This isn’t a one time thing. It’s a life long journey. It recognising my gifts and strengths.

I tend to get so inside my own head. And having had depression my whole life ,I veer towards the negative . It’s a conscious decision and it takes work a lot of inner conscious work to get to a level of functionality.. I just keep on getting up after I fall and try again.

If you relate to this how in the next week can you improve on self care or self love? do you need to give yourself permission to put yourself first to do self care?

Try it out see how you go. It’s ok if you can’t the first time around. Keep trying.

Be kind

And remember I love you

Those moments

Healing is a messy beautiful process. I was reading a book today that talks about getting to know your true self. one does this by peeling back the layers and masks we have built and designed over the years to protect ourselves. At so many points I had to put the book down , as I felt a wave of panic come over me. the Author suggested to just sit with the feelings , so I did.

I realise that I haven’t let many people in to see the real me, being vulnerable isn’t something I have ever felt safe in doing. I look back on my past relationships and can count on 2 fingers the amount of people I have let come anywhere near my heart. Even then I believe I was guarded and also did not on any level have the communication skills to say what I needed for fear they couldn’t be there for me or even worse laugh at me or dismiss how I felt.

Being vulnerable take courage and bravery. It also takes wisdom to have a few trusted souls in your life that you can say how your feeling without fear of any negative reaction only reaction being im here for you and I hear you. be you.

Over the years I have built a wall around my heart and my self esteem went so low I ended up being with people who treated me like shit. but this was essentially how I felt about myself . Breaking free from all the ties is a life long journey, they started in childhood and I needed them then, but don’t anymore. As I sat with what I had read and the panic came over me like a storm cloud engulfing a mountain top, I was curious as to what this feeling was saying. I could see the nastiest face with long fingers and knarled knuckles and long thick finger nails grab me around the neck and tell me that “You will never break from the cycle you’re in.” I looked that motherfucker in the eye and said “just watch me!!!!” as I stabbed it to death. it won’t give up easy but I deserve to love myself for who I am.
And who I am is a beautiful woman, who is kind, loving, funny, hard worker, diligent, courageous, respectful, helpful and lots of other lovely qualities. I also deserve to be loved and treated with respect by someone who sees and hears me.

These cycles , are cycles of a life time, get such a hold on all of us. We all have the power deep within to break free. To stand up to the nasty critic deep within and tell it that its time is up. Its time to Fuck right off back to the where ever the fuck it came from. Because it doesn’t belong in this life anymore.

We are all deeply beautiful inside. All of us. There is a gift each of us has for world. The world needs all of us.

In the past 5 weeks my country has been on fire. the grief is so real. so much loss. One thing that has stood out to me , is , us Aussies know how to be there for our mates. the world has stood with us and grieved and prayed. The generosity of the world , gives me hope, for there are days I despair. but as humanity comes together at this time truly together. It does give me hope.

be you

truly you

you are beautiful

be kind

and remember I love you

Connecting with nature

I started watching the 2nd season of Anne with an E. The opening scene was of Anne going through her little treasures and picking one out , then putting it in her pocket. She then grabbed a rope and ran to a field, she stops and there is a big tree standing alone in said field, she gives the biggest wave. Runs with all the happiness to the tree and gives it a huge hug. Using the rope she climbs the tree. Sitting on a branch and takes out the treasure from her pocket and kisses it and says to the tree “I thought you might like this”.

After watching this scene I felt such love coming from the tree, I have hugged trees for about 8 years now. I thank them for who they are and what they do. It takes me to the times when I swim and as I walk to the water , with the waves seemingly rushing to meet me , I sometimes feel them saying “ I’ve missed you, so happy to have you come to see me. Come let me cleanse you. Give me you worries, give me your hurt, give me you happiness , your gratitude. Give it all to me.”

Today I had one swim then gave myself time to lay on the sand and ground myself. Gave myself time to unload all of what was weighing heavy in my heart. Acknowledged how I felt, which sometimes can be 5 different emotions in 10 minutes. And that’s ok. They are waiting for me to acknowledge them, that’s all. I then went in the water again and washed it all away.

Nature is just so beautiful to me. Watching a bird wash itself, the waves. A kangaroo jumping along the field at dawn when I finish work on night shift.

I believe nature has healed me. I have been open to it too.

I challenge you to connect with nature in whatever small way you can. Barefoot if possible. Let the earth surround you hold you close tell it all your secrets. Be totally you without masks or expectations of yourself. Just be. You. The more you do it. The better it will be. The better you will be.

In the last week I have had a couple of days where ptsd has come to visit. When it took me while to realise what was happening. Then I realised it had been a year since I got out. I slept most of the day, the next day I had panic attacks. The body is an amazing thing. Emotional memories. Christmas Day it happened again.

So this morning I gave acknowledgement to how I felt. I told the me of last year that I had her. I hugged her. Then washed it away in the waves

This, to me , is healing. It’s not pretty. It’s acknowledging what the fuck is going on in your heart. Giving attention to what you’re saying to yourself. Feeling the feelings, because once you do feel them they go away. Giving the real you a chance to breath and live as you were born to do.

The world needs you to be you. Not what others think you should be or , indeed , expect you to be. You. In the depths of your soul there’s a whisper…. that’s the real you. Go meet them. The beautiful amazing you.

Be kind

And remember I love you