I have have been asked in the week by a couple of people , in their own ways, how am I going about healing.
Well, I believe, I was meant to come home. I just knew deep within my soul. The moment I got here, to my childhood home I feel wrapped up in love. Rest. You are loved.
I was a mess. I would get up in the morning and within hours be back in bed, hiding , in the only safe space I had, my brothers old room.
As the weeks went on, my family, held me. There was no pressure to do a certain thing, just love. How blessed I felt.
I wanted to come out of this experience healed, I knew I had to look trauma in the eye and challenge it. Challenge my thinking and patterns I had developed over my life.
This is not easy task. Those patterns, so I believed, kept me safe. I enrolled in what was called a positive relationship course. Over 8 weeks the course talked about domestic violence and what is was all about. Power and manipulation. That is it. At the time of being in this relationship I thought I loved them. I believed the bullshit dreams. But it is all a lie.
The course opened some pretty big wounds that left me no wanting to be alive anymore. I have slowly worked through some of them.
I have realised that I in order to be authentically me I need to feel emotionally safe.
Self realisation is big thing when changing.
I have worked through shame. It’s been a big thing to work through. Shame of making shitty decisions, that ultimately lead to where I am. At 50, having to move back with mum and dad , losing all my worldly possessions. The big BUT here is , in doing that and losing everything, I see what I believe is really important.
Kindness and being there for others.
I recently started talking to someone, they are lovely and I have found myself laughing, for the first time in a long time.
I am beginning to see the sun shine in my life , things are turning around.
To the point where I watching a video of the all abilities choir on Australia’s got talent. They had deaf people, people in wheelchairs, and one person who sang and danced the whole way through the song. I cried when I saw the video, I miss working with these delightful souls. So I made a decision to go back to work. A friend said to me “you’ll know when you are ready ” and indeed I do.
So how have I healed?
Music has been a big part of it. Putting my headphones on and listening to my beloved music. I have let the tears flow, I have challenged myself to change my behaviour, I have walked on the beach, I have started this blog and a Facebook page. I have sewn toys and made a waistcoat and matching coat, I have helped mum and dad. I treasured every moment I have had with mum. I have let go of the past. I have been blessed enough to hear her say “you are beautiful. And I love you.” Some people don’t get to hear that in their life but I did. And I treasure it.
Have I completely healed? No but we are all a work in progress aren’t we?
Life is sometimes a big mess and all we can do is ride it out. Treasure it all.
That’s all for this week
I’m proud of you
I love you