Processing and working on old thought patterns and beliefs takes work. It takes courage. Owning up to shit. Letting go of shit that just isn’t serving me anymore, because I kept hitting my head up against a wall.
I signed up for a course that is called the conscious girlfriend. It’s only the first week of a 12 week course and already I can feel the difference. Working through beliefs and thought patterns meditating grounding myself.
As well as doing this, I have decided I have to sell my art work. This in and of itself has bought on huge anxiety. When I create a piece it’s always different. Light when pure light beams itself through a prism and when it shines out the other side you see a rainbow. My brain will go ” it’s not the pure light!!!! It’s not good enough !!! It’s not how it “should be”” but when I ponder that from a different angle
The rainbow is beautiful.
The rainbow is how it needs to be.
My creations reflect life. There’s a bump here. The material is a bit patched up. Never goes according to plan. But!!!! It’s still beautiful. The rugs I have made over the years have kept me warm in winter and in summer I have hung them on the windows and kept the stifling heat at bay. Changing my thinking is a challenge to say the least.
Yesterday I was a ball of anxiety, driving myself crazy. I would do or say something, then judge myself relentlessly for that action, then judge myself for that judgement, then judge myself for judging myself. A vicious cycle to say the least. I went for a swim and felt a little better. I started looking on you tube, for reasons I won’t state, I felt like I wasn’t emotionally safe, I dare say, I have felt this since childhood. I came across a video of Wayne Dyer. A meditation of 432hz . I am , with music. Just music. I went to sleep with it playing in my ears. All I can say is that today I feel so much peace. I feel peace.
I woke up this morning thinking about some different situations, where previously I would get bitter or think of myself as the victim, now I seemed to have the presence of mind to just let it go. Let me tell you, that’s huge for me. Letting go has always been a hard thing for me to do. I have wasted so much of my life thinking about things , that I just needed to let it fucking go.
So when I have a nap today and when I go to bed tonight I will be listening to that meditation again. And again and again.
Be kind my darlings
I love you . Xxxx