Work in progress

Processing and working on old thought patterns and beliefs takes work. It takes courage. Owning up to shit. Letting go of shit that just isn’t serving me anymore, because I kept hitting my head up against a wall.

I signed up for a course that is called the conscious girlfriend. It’s only the first week of a 12 week course and already I can feel the difference. Working through beliefs and thought patterns meditating grounding myself.

As well as doing this, I have decided I have to sell my art work. This in and of itself has bought on huge anxiety. When I create a piece it’s always different. Light when pure light beams itself through a prism and when it shines out the other side you see a rainbow. My brain will go ” it’s not the pure light!!!! It’s not good enough !!! It’s not how it “should be”” but when I ponder that from a different angle

The rainbow is beautiful.

The rainbow is how it needs to be.

My creations reflect life. There’s a bump here. The material is a bit patched up. Never goes according to plan. But!!!! It’s still beautiful. The rugs I have made over the years have kept me warm in winter and in summer I have hung them on the windows and kept the stifling heat at bay. Changing my thinking is a challenge to say the least.

Yesterday I was a ball of anxiety, driving myself crazy. I would do or say something, then judge myself relentlessly for that action, then judge myself for that judgement, then judge myself for judging myself. A vicious cycle to say the least. I went for a swim and felt a little better. I started looking on you tube, for reasons I won’t state, I felt like I wasn’t emotionally safe, I dare say, I have felt this since childhood. I came across a video of Wayne Dyer. A meditation of 432hz . I am , with music. Just music. I went to sleep with it playing in my ears. All I can say is that today I feel so much peace. I feel peace.

I woke up this morning thinking about some different situations, where previously I would get bitter or think of myself as the victim, now I seemed to have the presence of mind to just let it go. Let me tell you, that’s huge for me. Letting go has always been a hard thing for me to do. I have wasted so much of my life thinking about things , that I just needed to let it fucking go.

So when I have a nap today and when I go to bed tonight I will be listening to that meditation again. And again and again.

Be kind my darlings

And remember

I love you . Xxxx