I sit here this morning ,with a warm wind blowing. In my counseling session yesterday, we talked of all that’s going on in my life at the moment, events that shoot stress levels through the roof. I have 5 major things going on.
At this point , my head thinks it will never end, my heart knows it will. I have come through it ,in the past and I will again. I want to come through all of this with a healthy mind set.
This session addressed the issue of my upbringing from a perspective of being Catholic and my parents. I’m not criticising my parents here, they did the best they could with what they had. My father and I had a conversation about me being a lesbian. He was talking about about a story of a woman who waited till she was 50 to find the “right” man. Suggesting that I should do the same. I said “Dad your forgetting I’m gay” to which he responded “well, it hasn’t exactly worked out for you, has it?” I responded by saying “you are assuming it’s a choice.”
The counsellor, enlightened me, that dad was contemptuous in his attitude. She showed me that most of the people I have been with, have in their own way, dismissed what I have to say, and feel or indeed who I am and refused to or can’t hear me. Attached to this is an internal, deep, soul crushing shame. Let me tell you something, it was so painful to acknowledge that pain. The hurt. The rejection. I wrote in a journal , of how my head instantly wants to make these expectations happen. To make him happy by being straight. But I can’t.
By the end of yesterday, I sat with those feelings, I acknowledged them. And something quite miraculous happened. They went away.
A little voice popped up. This is who I am. In the depths of my soul I’m at peace with that. There is not compromise here.
I have written about shame before, religion from my perspective destroys people, deeply ingrained beliefs that you aren’t good enough you are sinful, you should do things this way or that way. I mean no disrespect to those of you that follow a religion. This is what I have learned in my journey.
I have a deep set of values ,they are good values. We are on this journey of life to love and be kind. Especially to ourselves. Which I am learning to do. I am so critical of myself. It’s time to wrap myself up with love and be kind to myself. It’s like surgery. Micro surgery at that. But I am determined to love me for the person I am.
And remember I love you