Something to ponder

I just read an article by long time lgbtqi advocate, Jac Tomlins, about burnout and compassion fatigue. She talked about her own mental health and how she recognised compassion burnout.

What struck me about this article (apart from the fact the writer took my breath away…just saying) was how I relate to this.

Not on compassion fatigue but burnout.

I look back on my life and all I have ever done (it seems) is get back up after a hard period in my life. The first been when I was 2 with meningitis, encephalitis and measles I was in hospital for 4 months and blind when I came out of hospital for another 4 months. I was relentlessly bullied in year 3 & 4 by three boys , yes I still remember the motherfuckers names. I look back and realise that deep down I knew I liked girls at 15. I remember falling for the music teacher in year 9. Being Catholic I just buried it. Deep very very deep. I got married to a man and had 4 kids in six years then moved states twice in 4. I had learnt to eat my feelings so being fat was always a huge burden.

So after coming out at 41 I did what I always did. Got up and moved on. Relationship after relationship. Until 18/12/18. When , well , a huge turning point in my life happened.

What has happened to me in the last year, is nothing short of a blessing. I have had the choice to heal and learn my lesson. Now I could have quite easily chosen to go into another relationship.

I sat in the morning sun listening to the birds as they woke up and finally admitted to myself that this healing shit…. is fucking hard.

It is …. I’m in deep emotional pain most days in the last 2 weeks I have learnt a method of self compassion which I find absolutely amazing.But I’m also fucking burnout and tired. I’m thankful for the opportunity to come home and heal. To have the chance to put in place boundaries. I have had an opportunity to put self care deep deliberate self care in place for example: most days I spend 3-4 sewing or doing fabric art with my headphones on listening to my favourite songs (which change almost on a weekly basis) I have started to journal how I feel everyday, I swim at the beach 4-5 times a week. Dealing with burnout and trauma is not an easy road but my deep resilience is getting stronger every day.

I’m not going to fucking tolerate bullshit from motherfuckers anymore. I’m going to love myself take myself out for dinner, be a fabric artist or whatever artist I fucking choose to be. I’m going keep this blog up to show my tribe that self love and compassion is vital in life.

So my dear ones

Be kind to other and yourself

And remember I love you (and myself)

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