I had a conversation yesterday with someone who made me look at myself , in such a way that I realised just how strong and resilient I am. I looked at where I was this time last year and where I am now. Wow! What a different person I am.
This time last year I was sending messages to my children telling how much loved them, with such an ache in my heart, thinking I would never see them again. I was writing letters to my father , like it was my last confession. Please ask my siblings to forgive all the things I have said to them in anger. Tell them I love them dearly.
It has been a year of such beauty! It has been a year of such growth! It has been a year of breakthroughs. It has been a year of learning about boundaries not just to put in place for others but for myself. It has been a year of learning that I am beautiful and kind. Learning about wrapping myself up in love , looking at my strengths and being proud of them. It’s been a year of forgiving myself.
This week I have learned what I have achieved in my own growth , is something that I need to be proud of. My commitment to myself. To love and cherished the space and time I put into me.
My swimming in the ocean every single day. I have fallen in love with this special time. Diving under the waves. Watching how the wave builds up. I honestly marvel at this. Such rhythm. So beautiful. I get washed of all the bullshit in my head. Sometimes it’s like doing a full on work out at the gym. The waves are strong and I have to always be aware of the next one coming. Other times I could lay there floating, soaking in the peace. Some people I have spoken to ,are amazed I do this. I suppose their thinking is it’s dangerous. One person called me dangerous dan. Which I found funny in a way.
I’m learning to let go of a lot of stuff that in the past I would have gotten caught up in. I’m learning to be thankful for interactions with others that deeply affect me in a positive way. They may never know the affect they have had, nevertheless I am so thankful. I’m proud of every single fucking time I got up off the ground , laying on my stomach with my face in the mud. Finding that small speck of strength and resilience, that says” Not today, you mothefucker. Not today” I’m thankful for the people who have shown me , that I am a leader. I’m thankful so thankful for my determination to learn from what I have been through, to come out the other side healthy and strong. To have healthy boundaries, to think about things but not stew about them. To enjoy others , just as they are. To enjoy myself just as I am. I so proud of the fact that I can look at a person begging on the street and feel complete empathy for them. I give them my change. They need hope and kindness. I am a one person who will give that to them. I’m proud of going out on a Friday night on my own. Most people can’t do that. Of finding the queer space and hearing my heart and soul say “ This is home. I have found home.” All of us so unique and so individual. Celebrating each other. Supporting each other. I’m thankful for the drag queens, non-binary, lesbians and gay, for the bisexuals and queer, intersex people that turn up, that introduce themselves. For the music and acts, that make my heart sing. For the intelligent conversations and laughs that I have had.
So the next time you say to yourself, look at the work I have to do. Remember, always remember to look at how far you have come. Pat yourself on the back for the times you got up and said “Not today, mothefucker, not today.” For the times when you rested, because this is important too. For the self care and self love and the self compassion.
Be kind to yourself and others
And remember I love you