I worked extra hours this past week so I could go to the Sydney gay and lesbian fair day, today. To be honest I feel like saying a big fuck you to my own community.
I have never and will never understand why lesbians are so stand offish. Going up there , I got off the train (and I always have some money in my bag to give to a homeless person. ) walked to the bus stop and saw a homeless man prostrate on the ground. Truly begging for some money. How my heart ached for him. I gave my little pouch of coins, then asked if it would be alright if I could give him a hug. We had a long hug. I kissed him on the cheek and said I was homeless last year. I walked away emotional, so god damn emotional. I know that despair, I know that hopelessness. I got on the bus and a woman said to me, “ what you did back there was really nice” and another woman said to me “ I was watching from across the street and I thought the same thing. I always have wanted to help but I don’t know how.” She said “ is money the right thing to give?”
My reply was “ I give money because I know what it’s like to be homeless. Having to deal with government departments that are cold and cruel. From my perspective I’m showing them I care. It may buy them a meal or drugs I don’t know and to be honest it’s none of my business. I wanted that man to know I saw him. And I cared.”
So I got off the bus and walked over to the park where day was held. It’s all glitter and fucking rainbows. And also one very lonely experience.
I bought a dykes on bikes shirt. They too were stand offish. I don’t know what I was expecting but I seem to be disappointed every tome I expose myself to the community i identify with.
So here’s my challenge. How do I help a community that really by all appearances doesn’t give a flying fuck about me? Because if I am really honest, I never want to go to another fair day ….. for all eternity… and then some. I would rather stab myself in the eye. It has to be one of the loneliest experiences of my life.
How is it that a barefooted homeless man gave me more in a 1 min hug, than my own lesbian community. Ponder on that. I don’t want an answer. I want to see change. I am the change I want to see in the world . But my own lesbian community face to face, in the year of 2020, you lot have a lot of fuckin work to do. The movie night I went to a couple weeks ago and a dance I went to last year were the same. I might as well have had a disease. I hate that shit. And I always have hated that shit.
Here’s some advice for you lesbians out there. Saying hello doesn’t mean sex. I don’t want you to fuck me or marry me or anything else fucking else except talk. Connect.
I get so angry about it all.
Anyway thanks for reading my blog
And remember I love you