Keep on going.(Don’t give up on yourself)

Hi everyone!

So glad you are here!

Today I am posting about struggling after healing. When you don’t understand your own behaviour and can’t seem to let it go, even though you have talked about it for ages.

In recent months I have struggled with why I do certain things. I think this is just a progression of growing as a healthy human. It’s not failure per se. Its a form of feedback. what do I mean by that?

When we fall down or not follow through, when we don’t show up for ourselves on a regular basis, we need to ask some key questions. Some of these questions maybe

why do i do that? what’s really going on here? why do i avoid doing this? or procrastinate?

It maybe that this activity or task is in direct opposition to your values.

Some of my deep values are to show up in the world and be fucking real. I really don’t like fake people at all. So how do I be at peace with a situation where I am legally bound to something that seems to be really fake and hypocritical to me? and sooo not in line with my deep values.

For one i have had quite a few coaching sessions about it. The amazing thing about life coaching is that it is a completely non judgmental experiences, that also challenges you to think from a different perspective.

Two, be happy for this organization . yes you read that right. not perpetually bitching about it. I am not going to lie . I have bitched, …. and moaned about it…… and yes i still struggle with it, but I am choosing to be thankful for this learning experience.

People close to me know that i have to talk things through a lot and I do struggle to let things go. being happy for some thing/body else is a good thing to do. why? because it sets me free. the more i harp on about shit, the more negativity i bring into my own life. and if you have read most of this blog you will know that i have worked and worked on being a healthy happy woman .

I mean think about it , doesn’t the world have enough of the horrible shit going on around it? Covid-19. cities in lockdowns. anxiety at an all time high? at what point as conscience humans do we choose to move forward in a better manner? One other thing that has helped me change my thinking on this is Kerwin Rae , he put up a youtube video

omg type A was me. and ya know fuckin what? no more. i choose to change that shitty thinking.

Today i also chose t listen to Dr Joe Dispenza’s becoming supernatural.

change our thinking change our lives

be kind

and remember I Love You

Barefoot Warrior


Life is such a mixture of ups and downs. of arseholes , backstabbers and motherfuckers and the beautiful souls the just make you realise how beautiful this life can.

I’m not gunna lie to you all, i have struggled in the past months with a lot of stuff. but being my usual self , being commited to loving myself, to healing, to improving, I get back up. i have had triggers and ptsd in the past few months and they had taken me for a ride. but it has also been , an amazing experience because my new girlfriend holds a powerful, safe loving space to work through what is going on. We work through it together. Now to me that is what vulnerability is.

It’s having a select few people who hold this precious, powerful space for you to process what it is you are going through, without blame, projection . that space is one of the most powerful spaces i have ever experienced,.

but how did i get here? how can you get to here?

well commitment. not marriage. commitment to YOU. Commitment to your relationship with yourself. Commitment to being the very best version of yourself. and believe me its not for the faint hearted. I went to some very dark spaces in my healing. Because i knew i deserved a peaceful., beautiful , loving healthy relationship starting with myself and then with someone who sees me as the equal and treasures me and I treasure them

here are some questions to ask yourself

what are you core beliefs about life , love, relationships,?

Do you think deep inside that who ever you are with will eventually leave or fuck you over?

Do you believe that you are emotionally safe with you intimate partner?

How have you in the past dealt with issues that have come up?

What defining moment have you had that made you believe or act in this way?

If your actions and beliefs aren’t healthy and you really want to change them

you can . because you deserve to be in that peaceful loving relationship but it starts with you..

be kind

and remember i love you


Living an inspired life…

I was listening to a podcast yesterday, I found myself completely inspired by the speaker. Of how she has lived her life with such authenticity that , she was a leader in the lgbtqi community. Just by being herself . By living her life authentically.

So my question to you is who inspires you to live your life the way you do? Not necessarily a rock star or celebrity.

For me, Jo Bangles, who is the president of dykes on bikes Melbourne was ,for me ,so inspiring. Not because she had her shit together. But from what I have observed she lives her life as a lesbian authentically and is changing the city she lives . She has seen things in herself that she changed , then recognised that the community had the same problem and has set about to be a trailblazer in providing a safe space in the city she lives in.

This made me realise , how important it is for me to continue to coach my beloved lgbtqi community. I need also to become a leader in my own community to shine the light that is so needed. The light of loving and accepting yourself for the person you are.

So this week look at who inspires you. What values do they have that resonate with you. Is that value for your higher good.? Do these values help you grow?

Some thoughts to keep you going

So I finish off here like I always do

Be kind

And remember I love you

catching those feelings

Image result for emotions

hi everyone I hope you are well in this crazy time of isolation and restrictions being lifted washing hands . not touching ones face. etc.

Today I wanted to talk to you about emotional shut down & emotional Intelligence. and how to make the journey from one to another. I am not a therapist nor am i a counsellor. I am someone who has gone through physical, mental, emotional, sexual abuse and this is blog is the lessons i have learnt. I have not done any of this on my own, I am currently going to 2 different counsellors. one of whom is trained in trauma counselling. so if you have gone through trauma please try and get to see a professional, not just any professional one that you click with, find a counsellor/therapist that holds that safe space for you to talk and be and feel.

“Emotional Intelligence is the capability of an individual to recognize their own emotions & those of others, discerning between different feeling and to be able to label them appropriately, to use emotional information to guid thinking and behaviour”. wikipedia

4 steps to emotional intelligence

1. to create emotional literacy

I felt numb for most of last year , as you all know.

That too is a feeling.

so how does one go about naming feelings when you have been shut down emotionally most of your life? what happens when you don’t have words for the feelings One way to start is asking yourself a question of how you feel in your body. So what are your bodily sensations. Do you feel tight in any part of your body? do you have goose bumps? butterflies in your stomach?

with the work I have done in therapy my therapist would often ask me if how do i feel ….. i would often say i feel sick in my stomach. this does take time to develop. but its essential for emotional health.

to feel what you feel isn’t good/bad. it is what it is. you feel what you feel. See an emotion needs to be acknowledged. its that simple. but when its not its like a drop of water dripping into a bucket . one drop is no big deal. before you know it , its half full. Then over flowing. eventually it becomes a flood. from drop after drop. its the same with emotions. The other thing i have noticed is once i have acknowledged and felt the emotion then let it go, i now have more energy. i exercise more, i eat healthier, im studying 11 hr a week on my coaching course. maintaining a healthy relationship, helping my elderly father, working shift work in a job where i travel 1 hour to and from work.

its so important to acknowledge them . with out shame or fear.

be kind

and remember I love you

Its been awhile

Hi everyone

I hope this post finds you are all coping with COVID-19 and the isolation that has come with it. Life is certainly challenging at times. These are the times of great opportunity. there many ways to see what the world is going through as something from a conspiracy theorists dream. but it is also lots of opportunities to see life from a growth perspective.

Growth is an essential part of life. if we seek to avoid it, then it will find us. how do i know this? i ran from growth most of my life. and it does find you. So how can we see what a rich growing patch we find ourselves in with COVID?

well ask yourself are you happy? are you tired? are you someone who gives so much that you have nothing left for yourself. you see now is the time to be asking lots of different questions to improve your mindset. now is the perfect time to reassess your life. to change your lifes direction. or catch your breath at least. Dr Wayne Dyer once said “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change” I have found this to be so true in my own life. by just changing your mindset and how your look at your life or life in general your life will change.

if you aren’t happy in your life, where do you want your life to be? what is your dream? yes that one! that one you have forgotten about. that one you put at the back of your mind like a coat in a wardrobe in the lion the witch and the wardrobe. just for one minute. sit and think. did you always want to be in a certain sector? or maybe you wanted to learn something new? do you feel pulled towards something and don’t know how to get there? i know thats me too. but there is a way even if you are short of money. there is always a solution its just a matter of finding the fucker.

i started this blog last year when i was broke, and broken. i write this blog for you , so that you may know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and there is hope.

message me and i can coach you.

its worth it.

be kind

and remember i love you

Healthy…. what’s that???

So in the lgbtqi community there are very few long term relationships and while the answer to why is multifaceted, today I want to talk to you about a few of them.

Internal homophobia/transphobia I believe is one of them. In my journey through healing from abusive/ narcissistic relationships I have looked deep within myself and realised I was homophobic towards myself. I didn’t accept the fact that I was a lesbian. Why? I mean what’s the big deal here. Well this comes from growing up in a staunch religious family. When I came out this religion had been brainwashed into me from birth. I have found my own form of spiritual life. One I’m happy with and at peace with.So the journey to self acceptance has been a long one. For me I have looked at my family and the wider community , life is so much easier to some extent when you are straight.

My life as a lesbian has made me look at 1.why I was attracting the abusive relationships I was. 2. My internal shame 3. My inner wounded child.

It has not been until I have addressed all of these issues that I have attracted people that I’m happy to have in my life. I now can see red flags from mile off. I can notice and address my patterns that I no longer want give breath too. I have my boundaries too. I have found myself at times being full of total attitude and so god damn straight forward. I’m also prepared to work through my triggers with someone I trust and getting know, they have to be a very safe space though.

If ,as a member of the lgbtqi community, a long term relationship is something you want. Then you need to be prepared to go through all the shit you’ve been through , with a counsellor. And also take responsibility for your part in it. None of its easy but it’s so worth it .

Thank you for reading my blog

Be kind

And remember I love you

So I look at my

Be that safe space

I went to a wedding yesterday, of two beautiful souls. I cried when I saw the bride in her beautiful gold dress.

It took me back to when she first came out to me as transgender. I was so honoured to be that safe space. See here’s the thing, when someone is coming out to you they are saying, in their own way ,this is a part of me that I feel safe to share with you. You don’t have to understand it, just respect it. Whether that person is saying I’m bisexual, polyamorous, transgender, non binary, butch woman and numerous other identities.

And here a another respect the pronouns and terminology that they are asking you to use. This isn’t about you and what you think is right or wrong, what’s right or wrong for you isn’t necessarily right or wrong for other people.

For me respect is a big thing. The world in our face to face and internet interactions would be a lot nicer and deeper if we respected each other’s views.

My most treasured conversations are with people who are willing talk with out blame or the need to be right, but expressing their views. I find this expands my thinking by being open to what the other person is trying convey. Everyone has something to teach us. Whether it’s seeing their compassion , how they helped another human, or indeed if they bring up those feelings of anger then they are teaching you that you have inner work to do.

I’m very grateful for my journey and the beautiful amazing people that have come across my path. Some for a day, some for a moment, some for a year, some my whole life.

Essentially what I am saying is if you have someone share that part of themselves, be that safe space, accept them, love them just as they are.

Be kind

And remember I love you

When I saw you….

When I saw you at fair day my instant thought was you and your son have damaged me so much . I wanted to throat punch you.

When I saw you at fair day I got so angry that you had moved on.

Then , after a few days, I realised what a gift it was seeing you, to feel that anger. Why? Because it made me realise what a heavy burden you had both become. I was like I couldn’t move . And tired I was so tired and heavy from carrying you both around for these past years.

So I went to the beach. My beloved beach with waves rolling into meet me, as if to say, there you are ! Come wash it all away my darling girl. I laid on the sand and bought it all up. Feeling the emotion that I didn’t have words for. The hurt , the pain, the memories. Went into the waves and washed you both away, saying,” you too heavy now. I let you both go, I wish you well . Goodbye.”

I feel so much lighter now. I do wish you well. There are parts I will remember with fondness. And others I won’t give oxygen anymore.

I wish you well in your life

Good bye


I worked extra hours this past week so I could go to the Sydney gay and lesbian fair day, today. To be honest I feel like saying a big fuck you to my own community.

I have never and will never understand why lesbians are so stand offish. Going up there , I got off the train (and I always have some money in my bag to give to a homeless person. ) walked to the bus stop and saw a homeless man prostrate on the ground. Truly begging for some money. How my heart ached for him. I gave my little pouch of coins, then asked if it would be alright if I could give him a hug. We had a long hug. I kissed him on the cheek and said I was homeless last year. I walked away emotional, so god damn emotional. I know that despair, I know that hopelessness. I got on the bus and a woman said to me, “ what you did back there was really nice” and another woman said to me “ I was watching from across the street and I thought the same thing. I always have wanted to help but I don’t know how.” She said “ is money the right thing to give?”

My reply was “ I give money because I know what it’s like to be homeless. Having to deal with government departments that are cold and cruel. From my perspective I’m showing them I care. It may buy them a meal or drugs I don’t know and to be honest it’s none of my business. I wanted that man to know I saw him. And I cared.”

So I got off the bus and walked over to the park where day was held. It’s all glitter and fucking rainbows. And also one very lonely experience.

I bought a dykes on bikes shirt. They too were stand offish. I don’t know what I was expecting but I seem to be disappointed every tome I expose myself to the community i identify with.

So here’s my challenge. How do I help a community that really by all appearances doesn’t give a flying fuck about me? Because if I am really honest, I never want to go to another fair day ….. for all eternity… and then some. I would rather stab myself in the eye. It has to be one of the loneliest experiences of my life.

How is it that a barefooted homeless man gave me more in a 1 min hug, than my own lesbian community. Ponder on that. I don’t want an answer. I want to see change. I am the change I want to see in the world . But my own lesbian community face to face, in the year of 2020, you lot have a lot of fuckin work to do. The movie night I went to a couple weeks ago and a dance I went to last year were the same. I might as well have had a disease. I hate that shit. And I always have hated that shit.

Here’s some advice for you lesbians out there. Saying hello doesn’t mean sex. I don’t want you to fuck me or marry me or anything else fucking else except talk. Connect.

I get so angry about it all.

Anyway thanks for reading my blog

Be kind

And remember I love you

Interesting perspective

I was on social media today and the topic of kids came up. In the context of do I want kids etc.

I responded by saying no. I don’t want more kids and I don’t want to be in a relationship with a woman who has kids.

There is numerous reason why I have this boundary. I have been in 2 relationships where both women had children, while I understand the children do come first on a lot of levels. At no point did these people ever have my back on any circumstance. I felt thrown under the bus. Disregarded and dismissed. I will not tolerate that ever again. At 51 , having gone through what I have gone through, I refuse to fight for a woman’s attention on a day to day basis.

Raising kids is hard slog. And they deserve your love and attention, that is their right as your child. That also is your job as their parent. It’s also your job to raise a person that will contribute to society in a good way. And become a good partner. Not a self absorbed it’s all about me little snot. A person who is self sufficient and independent. Not codependent on you ,always ringing you wanting you. Nah I’m done with that shit.

So I have thought about it. And yes I understand there are a lot of women out there that have had kids, my observation has been kids haven’t been raised as I have raised mine. That’s every parents right to raise their kids as per their beliefs. I can see ,those kids, will never leave home and why would they if they get everything handed to them. I can’t be a part of that. On any level.

Like I said , I’m 51 and I have raised 4 bloody good humans. I’m so proud of all of them. I’m also tired and I don’t want that complexity in my life any more. I want to have conversations about gender and the lgbtqi community, I want to talk about the universe and spirituality. I want to travel and make a difference in people’s life through being a life coach.

Thanks for reading my blog

Be kind

And remember I love you