Healing is a messy beautiful process. I was reading a book today that talks about getting to know your true self. one does this by peeling back the layers and masks we have built and designed over the years to protect ourselves. At so many points I had to put the book down , as I felt a wave of panic come over me. the Author suggested to just sit with the feelings , so I did.
I realise that I haven’t let many people in to see the real me, being vulnerable isn’t something I have ever felt safe in doing. I look back on my past relationships and can count on 2 fingers the amount of people I have let come anywhere near my heart. Even then I believe I was guarded and also did not on any level have the communication skills to say what I needed for fear they couldn’t be there for me or even worse laugh at me or dismiss how I felt.
Being vulnerable take courage and bravery. It also takes wisdom to have a few trusted souls in your life that you can say how your feeling without fear of any negative reaction only reaction being im here for you and I hear you. be you.
Over the years I have built a wall around my heart and my self esteem went so low I ended up being with people who treated me like shit. but this was essentially how I felt about myself . Breaking free from all the ties is a life long journey, they started in childhood and I needed them then, but don’t anymore. As I sat with what I had read and the panic came over me like a storm cloud engulfing a mountain top, I was curious as to what this feeling was saying. I could see the nastiest face with long fingers and knarled knuckles and long thick finger nails grab me around the neck and tell me that “You will never break from the cycle you’re in.” I looked that motherfucker in the eye and said “just watch me!!!!” as I stabbed it to death. it won’t give up easy but I deserve to love myself for who I am.
And who I am is a beautiful woman, who is kind, loving, funny, hard worker, diligent, courageous, respectful, helpful and lots of other lovely qualities. I also deserve to be loved and treated with respect by someone who sees and hears me.
These cycles , are cycles of a life time, get such a hold on all of us. We all have the power deep within to break free. To stand up to the nasty critic deep within and tell it that its time is up. Its time to Fuck right off back to the where ever the fuck it came from. Because it doesn’t belong in this life anymore.
We are all deeply beautiful inside. All of us. There is a gift each of us has for world. The world needs all of us.
In the past 5 weeks my country has been on fire. the grief is so real. so much loss. One thing that has stood out to me , is , us Aussies know how to be there for our mates. the world has stood with us and grieved and prayed. The generosity of the world , gives me hope, for there are days I despair. but as humanity comes together at this time truly together. It does give me hope.
you are beautiful
and remember I love you