Why I am I doing this?

Stories are important. I love stories. I love a stories that takes me on a journey. I love stories that are inspiring, of people that have overcome such adversity , have risen above the heartbreak, oppression to shine so brightly that the world can see what is possible.

My story is one of those stories. I write this blog to shine a light on domestic violence in the lgbtqi community. I tell my story so others can see that it is possible to heal and love yourself and shine brighter than ever before ,even though you have been to hell and back. I tell my story so you can deal with the internal shame of being gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual, queer or intersex, in a world that says you must be straight, or indentify with the body you were born with. All you need is a good man or woman etc etc.

I tell my story so you to can live a life of peace , self love , self compassion, and all good things.

On Saturday I meet someone who works for a well known organisation, they asked me who I worked for and I boldly said I started my own. The Barefoot Warrior. I felt rather vulnerable when I said this as only about 6-10 people read this blog. But I gotta start somewhere right?

My aim is to eventually have refuges for homeless lgbtqi people and low income housing, to give talks all over the world about my story and what is possible when you give yourself the love and attention that you have so lovingly given to others, even if they didn’t really deserve it. My aim is to have workshops on healthy relationships and what they look like.

It’s a huge vision. And to be honest I don’t know how it will come about. When I was living at the backpackers, the weight of responsibility, of this vision was very heavily. I have surrendered to it now. I don’t where or how. I don’t know when . All I know is ,that this is what I am meant to be doing. In my gut I know.

So remember to do something nice for yourself today. May you love yourself so completely you shine.

Be kind

And remember I love you

Reclaiming myself

A letter to my ex

I went to reclaim the night last. I nearly went home, but I didn’t. I knew I needed to take back my own power. As we starting walking all the people started shouting, this triggered me. I couldn’t talk and I looked at the ground, as the memories all came back.

The tears ran down my face. At the end of the walk and someone was on the stage talking I didn’t hear thing, the pain and grief of all I had been through was coming out. Racking sobs. They had counsellors from Relationships Australia there, I was surprised one of them noticed me. She sat next to me, grief was all she said at this point. Letting it out. Tears rolling down my face. The physical sign of the emotional.

The belittling and shouting for 10 hours a day for months on end. I never thought it would end. The times you gaslit me. The times you woke me up at 3.00am. Your paranoia . Keep the keys to my car on your body so I couldn’t leave. Your fat, greedy , lazy and useless you would say.

Well, motherfucker, I have some news for you. I out shine you on every level. I’m not lazy, or greedy and I’m far from useless.

There’s a part of me that hope you rot in hell. But really I just think you are a sad excuse for a human.

Here’s the thing. You had no right to do those things. And no one will ever so that to me again. Family friend or lover. EVER.

I’m going to be kind to me

I love me

I choose me

Something to ponder

I just read an article by long time lgbtqi advocate, Jac Tomlins, about burnout and compassion fatigue. She talked about her own mental health and how she recognised compassion burnout.

What struck me about this article (apart from the fact the writer took my breath away…just saying) was how I relate to this.

Not on compassion fatigue but burnout.

I look back on my life and all I have ever done (it seems) is get back up after a hard period in my life. The first been when I was 2 with meningitis, encephalitis and measles I was in hospital for 4 months and blind when I came out of hospital for another 4 months. I was relentlessly bullied in year 3 & 4 by three boys , yes I still remember the motherfuckers names. I look back and realise that deep down I knew I liked girls at 15. I remember falling for the music teacher in year 9. Being Catholic I just buried it. Deep very very deep. I got married to a man and had 4 kids in six years then moved states twice in 4. I had learnt to eat my feelings so being fat was always a huge burden.

So after coming out at 41 I did what I always did. Got up and moved on. Relationship after relationship. Until 18/12/18. When , well , a huge turning point in my life happened.

What has happened to me in the last year, is nothing short of a blessing. I have had the choice to heal and learn my lesson. Now I could have quite easily chosen to go into another relationship.

I sat in the morning sun listening to the birds as they woke up and finally admitted to myself that this healing shit…. is fucking hard.

It is …. I’m in deep emotional pain most days in the last 2 weeks I have learnt a method of self compassion which I find absolutely amazing.But I’m also fucking burnout and tired. I’m thankful for the opportunity to come home and heal. To have the chance to put in place boundaries. I have had an opportunity to put self care deep deliberate self care in place for example: most days I spend 3-4 sewing or doing fabric art with my headphones on listening to my favourite songs (which change almost on a weekly basis) I have started to journal how I feel everyday, I swim at the beach 4-5 times a week. Dealing with burnout and trauma is not an easy road but my deep resilience is getting stronger every day.

I’m not going to fucking tolerate bullshit from motherfuckers anymore. I’m going to love myself take myself out for dinner, be a fabric artist or whatever artist I fucking choose to be. I’m going keep this blog up to show my tribe that self love and compassion is vital in life.

So my dear ones

Be kind to other and yourself

And remember I love you (and myself)

It’s going to ok.

Something quite profound has happened to me. Yesterday I had to work a bit more on the shame and hurt I felt that I had written on , in my last post. I googled shame and came upon a blog called the little Buddha. I read a post about how the writer had processed their shame. I did what they had said they had done.

I’m sorry. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you

So I wrote all the things I was sorry about. Things I had done to myself or took upon myself, that weren’t mine to take on. I forgave myself for things I had been hanging on to. I thanked myself for the things I was proud of. And lastly I told myself …. I LOVE YOU.

I felt so relieved. At peace.

Today I did a jewellery making course. Over the progression of the day as the ring I was making was coming to life. I decided to make this a sign of commitment to myself.

From this day forward I promise to love myself . I promise to do some kind of self care everyday. I promise to listen and hear myself.

This is profound for me. This is life changing .

Sitting quietly and wrapping myself up in love. No thoughts. Just love.

Nothing has changed, as in I still live with Dad, I still don’t have a job. But here’s the thing. Its going to be ok. Everything is coming together. I’m ok. I’m ok. I’m ok.

Be kind

And remember I LOVE YOU (& ME)

The struggle The shame

I sit here this morning ,with a warm wind blowing. In my counseling session yesterday, we talked of all that’s going on in my life at the moment, events that shoot stress levels through the roof. I have 5 major things going on.

At this point , my head thinks it will never end, my heart knows it will. I have come through it ,in the past and I will again. I want to come through all of this with a healthy mind set.

This session addressed the issue of my upbringing from a perspective of being Catholic and my parents. I’m not criticising my parents here, they did the best they could with what they had. My father and I had a conversation about me being a lesbian. He was talking about about a story of a woman who waited till she was 50 to find the “right” man. Suggesting that I should do the same. I said “Dad your forgetting I’m gay” to which he responded “well, it hasn’t exactly worked out for you, has it?” I responded by saying “you are assuming it’s a choice.”

The counsellor, enlightened me, that dad was contemptuous in his attitude. She showed me that most of the people I have been with, have in their own way, dismissed what I have to say, and feel or indeed who I am and refused to or can’t hear me. Attached to this is an internal, deep, soul crushing shame. Let me tell you something, it was so painful to acknowledge that pain. The hurt. The rejection. I wrote in a journal , of how my head instantly wants to make these expectations happen. To make him happy by being straight. But I can’t.

By the end of yesterday, I sat with those feelings, I acknowledged them. And something quite miraculous happened. They went away.

A little voice popped up. This is who I am. In the depths of my soul I’m at peace with that. There is not compromise here.

I have written about shame before, religion from my perspective destroys people, deeply ingrained beliefs that you aren’t good enough you are sinful, you should do things this way or that way. I mean no disrespect to those of you that follow a religion. This is what I have learned in my journey.

I have a deep set of values ,they are good values. We are on this journey of life to love and be kind. Especially to ourselves. Which I am learning to do. I am so critical of myself. It’s time to wrap myself up with love and be kind to myself. It’s like surgery. Micro surgery at that. But I am determined to love me for the person I am.

Be kind

And remember I love you

K

Richness

Learning about myself has been and continues to be such a rich experience. I started a coffee meet up group. I talked just about all day. I can talk the leg off an iron pot lol. I talkEd to one person who tried to completely invalidate me as a woman. This triggered my anxiety for a couple of days. Why? I see myself as a very accepting person. You are who you are. You be nice to me and respect me and we will get along just fine. I believe this person was very much like my ex. They thought after 2 hours of talking they knew everything about me. Think again sunshine.

This encounter is an opportunity for me to put boundaries in place. It’s about kylie standing strong in who she is. It’s an important lesson for me to learn. Walk beside me. Don’t be the fucking tour guide of my life. You live your life and I will live mine. We can support each other.

So how do I deal with a strong personality. At this point I go into hiding. Self protection mode. But I want figure myself out, it’s not about that other person, it is about me and how I can stand strong around bulldozer personalities , who feel they have the right to just tell me how to live my life. To be honest, I’m over it. We all have certain lessons our souls have to learn. Yours are different to mine. AND THATS OK.

My anxiety is telling me something. I went swimming. Oh how I love swimming in the ocean, such power in those rolling waves. I feel washed clean every single time I do it. I’m doing a morning blessing on myself. I put both hands over my heart and say “may I know true self compassion, may I know I how beautiful I am. May I know my true worth.” I then gather up all the love I have for my children, the ocean and puppies (who doesn’t love puppies,so cute!) and pour that love into my heart. Wrap myself in love. And you know what happens? It eases the pain and anxiety. This is actually hard work. But I deserve to give that love to myself. I DESERVE TO GIVE THAT LOVE TO MYSELF.

I know in my next relationship. Which is a long way off. (The more time I spend loving myself the I love being on my own. I really love my own company.) I need to be with a phlegmatic personality.

So that’s been one thing I learnt this week. There‘s been about 16 thousand more. Lol. But I think it’s an important one. I feel like I’m unraveling a ball of knotted wool. The more I do unravel the more beautiful, I realise , I am.

Be kind

And remember I love you

Work in progress

Processing and working on old thought patterns and beliefs takes work. It takes courage. Owning up to shit. Letting go of shit that just isn’t serving me anymore, because I kept hitting my head up against a wall.

I signed up for a course that is called the conscious girlfriend. It’s only the first week of a 12 week course and already I can feel the difference. Working through beliefs and thought patterns meditating grounding myself.

As well as doing this, I have decided I have to sell my art work. This in and of itself has bought on huge anxiety. When I create a piece it’s always different. Light when pure light beams itself through a prism and when it shines out the other side you see a rainbow. My brain will go ” it’s not the pure light!!!! It’s not good enough !!! It’s not how it “should be”” but when I ponder that from a different angle

The rainbow is beautiful.

The rainbow is how it needs to be.

My creations reflect life. There’s a bump here. The material is a bit patched up. Never goes according to plan. But!!!! It’s still beautiful. The rugs I have made over the years have kept me warm in winter and in summer I have hung them on the windows and kept the stifling heat at bay. Changing my thinking is a challenge to say the least.

Yesterday I was a ball of anxiety, driving myself crazy. I would do or say something, then judge myself relentlessly for that action, then judge myself for that judgement, then judge myself for judging myself. A vicious cycle to say the least. I went for a swim and felt a little better. I started looking on you tube, for reasons I won’t state, I felt like I wasn’t emotionally safe, I dare say, I have felt this since childhood. I came across a video of Wayne Dyer. A meditation of 432hz . I am , with music. Just music. I went to sleep with it playing in my ears. All I can say is that today I feel so much peace. I feel peace.

I woke up this morning thinking about some different situations, where previously I would get bitter or think of myself as the victim, now I seemed to have the presence of mind to just let it go. Let me tell you, that’s huge for me. Letting go has always been a hard thing for me to do. I have wasted so much of my life thinking about things , that I just needed to let it fucking go.

So when I have a nap today and when I go to bed tonight I will be listening to that meditation again. And again and again.

Be kind my darlings

And remember

I love you . Xxxx

Releasing the anger

So I after my last post , I thought about how to deal with the anger and grief I was feeling. I remembered ,the anger iceberg. So the anger in side me was telling me something.

I looked up the anger iceberg and wrote all the emotions I related to.

Embarrassed

Scared

Shame

Disgusted

Frustrated

Depressed

Trapped

Rejected

Helpless

Annoyed

Exhausted

Anxious

Disrespected

Regret

Used

Hurt

Grief

I sat there looking at those emotions and painted a volcano with some of these written underneath

That day I went to the library and went to the self development section. I saw a book by Louise Hay. You can create an exceptional life. Turning the first few pages it had a section of all the other books and CDs etc she had written and anger releasing jumped out at me. So I ended up downloading the audio of that and morning and evening meditation.

The anger releasing was intense and cleansing and most of freeing.

By working through that I have freed up space for other work. Work I believe I am meant to be doing.

There is a deep drive within me to help the lgbtqi community redirect itself. To love ourselves deeply. To let go of our toxic shame .

For we are superheroes, all of us.

In the morning meditation Louise says to say over our day to say

“I approve of you” to yourself

That 300 times a day is not enough

So sitting quietly this morning I find myself saying that and also “I Love You” to myself.

We all are here on earth, at this point in history, for reason.

And while it’s seems that capitalism is the driving force ,it’s power ,is nothing compared to love. Sending out love to the dying birds, and the birds happily chirping in the trees. Sending love to someone on the other side of the world. Sending out love to everyone and everything.

Wrapping ourselves up in self love and approval. Wherever you are in the world. I encourage you to work through the anger and shame , because on the other side is freedom. There is such a love and beauty.

I find my soul rejoicing at the sound of the bulbuls chirping in the trees. The magpies warbling at the sun. The kookaburras laughing first thing in the morning. The wattle birds quickly going from tree to tree.

And of course the beautiful busy bees buzzing on the lavender in the front yard.

Be kind my darlings.

And remember

I Love you

Yeah 2 words 1 fingers

Well well well here I am angry , fuming,furious,mad. I feel like I want to smash 10,000 plates on the ground.

I’m angry at the system of capitalism we live in. Where everything goes to the highest bidder including our politicians. Where my dad at 83 has to navigate around a system so complicated you need a team of I don’t what to get through the paperwork AND an accountant who is magical at making shit disappear on the case. I’m angry at working in a field of work the is supposedly the care industry but what it is , is a cover your arse or you’ll get the sack industry.

I’m angry with myself for believing bullshit

For giving too much ,for being a people pleaser

The thing I don’t know how to deal with the anger, really I don’t.

I got a job last week did 3 shifts and quit. Fuck this !!

There’s no point in being angry with a system that ain’t going to change just because I say it’s fucked.

I just don’t know how to deal with the anger.

I did an interview yesterday with a young woman who is studying journalism. Yeah filmed the whole deal. I talked about a lot of stuff including my ex and what I had been through. I talked about how a lot of people who identify as lgbtqi don’t want call what they have been through domestic violence, or do the work or courses to change their thinking. I talked about how there are one or 2 organisations that are about lgbtqi domestic violence but they aren’t in the ground like other charities. I talked about being homeless and going to court on my own. I talked about how hard the system is on a lot of levels. It was good to talk about this stuff. Because I truly believe this is what I’m supposed to be doing. We as a community are in the 1950s mindset when it comes to domestic violence. Don’t talk about it. Just shut up and move on.

Ok here is tip for young players. My report card in year 8 said

“Kylie talks too much”

Does that sound like someone who will sit down and shut up?

Not fuckin likely.

So the job I quit. The HR chick I spoke to said is there any reason why you want to leave?

To my credit I said “I don’t think you really want hear what I have to say. “And she said yes I do. So I told her.

But here’s the thing, I’m tired of being angry. I wish I could be that placid woman but I’m not. I’m fiesta as hell and I’m not going to take any shit anymore. In fact even if I wanted too my anger won’t let me.

So to quote pink. Don’t fuck with me

Cheers everyone

Remember

Be kind

And I love you

The big messy process of healing

I have have been asked in the week by a couple of people , in their own ways, how am I going about healing.

Well, I believe, I was meant to come home. I just knew deep within my soul. The moment I got here, to my childhood home I feel wrapped up in love. Rest. You are loved.

I was a mess. I would get up in the morning and within hours be back in bed, hiding , in the only safe space I had, my brothers old room.

As the weeks went on, my family, held me. There was no pressure to do a certain thing, just love. How blessed I felt.

I wanted to come out of this experience healed, I knew I had to look trauma in the eye and challenge it. Challenge my thinking and patterns I had developed over my life.

This is not easy task. Those patterns, so I believed, kept me safe. I enrolled in what was called a positive relationship course. Over 8 weeks the course talked about domestic violence and what is was all about. Power and manipulation. That is it. At the time of being in this relationship I thought I loved them. I believed the bullshit dreams. But it is all a lie.

The course opened some pretty big wounds that left me no wanting to be alive anymore. I have slowly worked through some of them.

I have realised that I in order to be authentically me I need to feel emotionally safe.

Self realisation is big thing when changing.

I have worked through shame. It’s been a big thing to work through. Shame of making shitty decisions, that ultimately lead to where I am. At 50, having to move back with mum and dad , losing all my worldly possessions. The big BUT here is , in doing that and losing everything, I see what I believe is really important.

Kindness and being there for others.

I recently started talking to someone, they are lovely and I have found myself laughing, for the first time in a long time.

I am beginning to see the sun shine in my life , things are turning around.

To the point where I watching a video of the all abilities choir on Australia’s got talent. They had deaf people, people in wheelchairs, and one person who sang and danced the whole way through the song. I cried when I saw the video, I miss working with these delightful souls. So I made a decision to go back to work. A friend said to me “you’ll know when you are ready ” and indeed I do.

So how have I healed?

Music has been a big part of it. Putting my headphones on and listening to my beloved music. I have let the tears flow, I have challenged myself to change my behaviour, I have walked on the beach, I have started this blog and a Facebook page. I have sewn toys and made a waistcoat and matching coat, I have helped mum and dad. I treasured every moment I have had with mum. I have let go of the past. I have been blessed enough to hear her say “you are beautiful. And I love you.” Some people don’t get to hear that in their life but I did. And I treasure it.

Have I completely healed? No but we are all a work in progress aren’t we?

Life is sometimes a big mess and all we can do is ride it out. Treasure it all.

That’s all for this week

I’m proud of you

Be kind

And remember

I love you